Russia Loses the War

Yup. You heard it here first. This bozo just lost the war. Absolute choke job by this knucklehead. He had a pretty good lead to start. I mean just look at this gif I found online.

Now, I am no cartographer. I tried to draw a map of a city one time and it didn’t go too well. I also was slated to take an introductory cartography class in college, but decided to get degree in Economics (shoutout to professor Marek Weretka who is currently working on a paper titled, “Paternalistic vs Non-Paternalistic Altruism: Theory and experiment” - glad we are both writing something interesting). However, my comprehensive education led me to the conclusion that this is not the map Putin wants to see. You know when you go to a concert or maybe a club and you want to get a little bit closer to the front because the music sounds a bit better and there is a better option of people to dance with? So, you and your friend finagle your way through the crowd, pushing forward and forward, passing the group of really drunk college women and the random group of guys who don’t know how to talk to women, but look pretty cool with their snapback hats and fake gold chains. In this situation, Ukraine represents me and my friend and Russia represents the guy with the fake gold chain. They are claiming land at a rate that would make the earliest colonizers dumbfounded. Good for them! I couldn’t imagine dealing with Russia’s bullshit. They already have a ridiculous amount of land in the first place. Why are they so interested in Ukraine? Kind of seems a little petty if you ask me. I hope Putin’s midlife crisis ends soon. I mean, hey, we all go through an ego crisis, but I just decided to live in a cheap basement, create a website, and maybe get a tattoo soon. Not start a 7 month war with a neighboring country. Just seems like a little bit of a cry for help if you ask me.

When I woke up this morning, my inside sources sent me an email. Without boring you with all of the fascinating details and confidential/classified information, I will just paraphrase the message and you can tell me your thoughts.

Good morning, David. This is a combined email from the president, the leader of the army, and the ruler of the space kingdom that was established a couple years ago when we realized that Earth was only so cool and space was definitely a major improvement. We wanted to share some news with you. Wars are not easy to win. Think about it as the initiator and the defender. Initiators in the modern era do not have an easy time winning wars. Maybe the rules are different if it is a cold war. We aren’t quite sure. We don’t really do a good job of understanding foreign diplomacy because every four to eight years we have a new guy in who picks and chooses the shady countries that they decide will serve their interest. Anyways, we were all playing poker last night at the secret spot that only the elite know about (hint: it is underneath the chic fil a in Fort Collins, Colorado) and Putin was kind of being a bitch. He couldn’t win a hand. Everyone was calling his bluff. Constantly folding. Not a good look. Usually, he walks in shirtless on his horse. Last night, shirt on. No horse. Bags under his eyes. Started complaining about his work a little bit too much. He was a little subconscious about snacking on the cheese board. It isn’t just us saying it. Jeff [Bezos] and Hilary [Duff] said the same thing after he left. Sad you couldn’t make it last night. We plan on meeting this week again if you have some time. Karaoke night. You know everyone loves your rendition of Take Me Home, Country Road. Ok, talk soon.

xoxo, The Super rich and powerful

This was a pretty obvious email to me. The president wanted me to break the news that the war is over. Ukraine is going to keep pushing back, every other country in the world is going to continue to support Ukraine (at a slow, calculated rate of course - why would ally countries ever just stand up together in unity?), and every coffee shop in the world will continue to purchase “I stand with Ukraine” memorabilia - half of the proceeds to support capitalism, the other half to purchase weapons for Ukraine. Putin will have a tricky time explaining this one to his people. “Hey, sorry for the massive debt, death of our people, and constant tension that I put on us for seven months. I was just a little frustrated with the way life was going. I wanted to try something new, break through the mundane reality of life. I didn’t really think it was going to get to this point, but man I was just having so much fun. Anyways, I hope you can forgive me. I plan on sending $1400 Russian Rubles to every Russian citizen and then we can just experience inflation like a normal country in the early 2020s.” Shockingly, a majority of people in his country (and any country) are in favor of this apology. No need to think past the surface level on this one. Why should they care about the underlying issue here? I phoned a close confidant about the current state in Russia and she shared the following information. “People here just want to watch videos on their phones, stop at a nice restaurant for the afternoon, take their kids to the park, and enjoy some form of entertainment to break through the mundane reality of life.” Pretty insightful stuff from my confidant there.

I asked Putin for a comment, but he declined. I imagine he is a little annoyed with me for writing this article, but to be fair, it was a pretty poor execution on his part. Once this war is over, American interest in Ukraine will return to historic lows and we can look forward to an Asian war where we learn a fact about a country for a couple weeks and then completely forget about it. Hopefully by that time I have my degree in cartography. Stay safe out there and avoid a war if you can.